When the answer finally comes, you realize that all of the struggle and all of the grief has brought you to this new place. A place different than any you have known thus far, you didn't think this way before, you couldn't have thought this way before. God is making us more like His Son, and that doesn't come easy. He is quite literally changing us, and to do that He must unearth the causes of self and implant the cause of others. That's not the way of natural man.
No other religion tells you that your life is for the benefit of others. In fact, they can not. They teach you to keep for self and give only when you have an abundance. That is why the teachings of Christ are so revolutionary! Who else teaches you to give all of it away as the path to success? Only Christ. What are the guaranties? Frankly, death. I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are going to die, and in the process, you will be used up for the benefit of others. But, hey, you were going to die anyway. Listen to me, this is the only way to truly live, and it is the model that Christ gave us to follow.
Loved ones, you can try to hide whatever you want from God, but you need to understand that He sees you hiding it. You can't keep a secret from the omniscient One. The Father will let you wrestle and struggle until you are finally ready to open up to Him, and when you do, you find the blessings of God. It's not a lightning strike followed by a influx of new understanding, but the day by day leading of the Almighty. Learning, loved ones, the process that takes us from basic math to calculus. The Lord is not distant, leaving us to figure it out by ourselves, but He is the One Who is there teaching us. More like Christ, more love for God, more love for others and more useful to the Master; this is the working out of our salvation.
God bless you all.